Well, our army of monkeys with typewriters have sorted through your spells, and after few coughs from their tobacco-lined lungs, they gazed up from their fedoras and the leader marched over with a list of those who should win our contest for 10 keys of Warlock: Master of the Arcane.

Having read through the entries, I agree with those strange, strange creatures. Just as a reminder, the contest had you come up with a spell you’d conjure if you were a master of the arcane. Some spells were great, some funny, and some of you may have some real problems, but that’s OK, you’ve come to the right place.

The winning spells are below, and the winners will be getting an email with their Steam codes. So, give a warm congrats to them, and check out the winning spells below.

[box_dark]1) Keith [/box_dark]

Being an English Warlock, my selection of spells would include the devastating ‘Can’t we all just discuss this over a spot of a cricket and a nice cup of tea?’ This affects all foes across the map, instantly causing them to go and put the kettle on. Every other player misses a turn (two turns if they have run out of digestives).

Another sorcerous spell would be the ‘Cheese on Toast Terror!’ A giant, cheddary cheese on toast is summoned and slams down on the chosen unit, covering them in hot, gooey strands of deliciousness. Instant damage is taken and the unit is further prevented from moving or attacking until it eats its way out. The greater version of this spell includes a dash of Worcestershire sauce on top, making it extra tasty!

Last, but not least, is the most infamous of the British black arts, the ‘Royal Wedding’. This summons a pair of recently married toffs, complete with silver spoon in mouth, whom have the power to charm any other unit to join their side. Even the undead cannot help but fall under the desire to suddenly spend their free cash on flags, mugs and tea towels and those tins of funny biscuits that no-one likes and always get shoved into the back of the cupboard with the hope that someone will eat them at Christmas.

Use of the ‘2012 Olympics’ spell is likely only to cause delays in the train service and induce mild feelings of indifference, so it’s been excluded from this list.

[box_dark]2) Barnard[/box_dark]

My spell would start by raising 8 High Liches, all bound to my will. These Master Liches would then each raise 8 Liches, all still bound to my will. (64 Liches in total) The risen Lich would then continue the cycle by raising a further 8 lesser Lich, also bound to my will. (512 lesser Liches). Each of these will then raise 8 Geese. (A total of 4096 Geese).

My Gaggle of Geese will then trample my foes beneath their webbed feet, and peck their eyes out with their bills. Whenever a Goose falls, the lesser Lich that raised it will raise another to replace it. Whenever a lesser Lich falls, the Lich that raised it will raise another to take its place. Whenever a Lich falls, the Master Lich that raised it will raise another to take its place. Any raised this way will behave as if it was raised in the initial spell. The only way to stop the spell would be if I dismissed it, or if all the Master Lich were killed, and then the Lich, and then the Lesser Lich, and finally the Geese. All in that order.

Fear the mighty bellow of my undead gaggle!

[box_dark]3) Joe[/box_dark]

Spell Name:  Bailout

Effects:  Your capital city summons a central bank that is invulnerable to attacks and lasts forever.  The central bank first takes over your national currency and replaces it with its own.  Once it’s currency is in place it will spread to the rest of the land, infecting everything from skeletons to wizards.  After full currency saturation the central bank can manipulate the money supply and create artificial boom/bust cycles anywhere of your choosing.  After a bust (recessionary period) the central bank will open up the option to initiate a bailout in the effected area.  Bailout gives the economically weakened area loads and loads of its currency in exchange for hard assets like territory, gold, lumber, or any other precious resource of your choosing.  Once cast, bailout can be recast over and over anywhere you’d like helping you gain economic superiority over all the world.

[box_dark]4) Sebastian[/box_dark]

I would have a spell that looks really dramatic but doesn’t do anything. It would have a bunch of smoke and the lighting in the room would dim while lightning shoots out of my hand.

[box_dark]5) Jake[/box_dark]

My spell is one that, when hit by it, you relive your life. It would bring you back to when you were born, but it would be like your life had a new random seed (Computer Science major here, best way I can think of describing it) so as the person lives their life they wouldn’t make the same choices as the first time. This way if they were evil, they may turn out good after their second chance. When the spell is cast on someone they would disappear in a flash of light as they’re reborn. Because of how time works, when you cast the spell the person would immediately appear where they would be at the same age on their second chance; if someone were trying to stab you with a sword and you cast it on them and in their second life they were a bookworm, they might appear in their personal library. This spell gives bad guys a second chance to turn out better in life.

[box_dark]6) Aaron[/box_dark]

Consider a master of Illusion, finding himself surrounded by a corp of shielded war ready undead. He stumbled upon this room while searching for a piece of a tablet he missed the last time he was here. What a disappointing journey that was, to find that the satchel he thought was complete was missing a vital center piece. He had to go back.

It wasn’t a room he was in but vast catacombs, lit only by the light piercing the crevice he fell through. Their beady yellowed pupils reflecting unwarranted hatred back at him.

He did the only thing he could think of to do in that intense moment of Fight or Flight adrenaline rush. A step and twist whipping his cloak around from back to front; creating the split second of silence and darkness he needed to yell the one word. “.ERCNANT.” It had to work. The illusion was no mere trick on the eyes. Literally a new plane opened up and consumed in light the entire system of tunnels surrounding the Master. The Undead were now aware that their numbers had tripled and they were being attacked by their own kind. The chaos and carnage allowed the Master to simply watch while invisible as the legion eliminated themselves. Not knowing which is friend or foe, now they had no choice but to fight. Fight till the few that were left were simply dismissed as easily as they were summoned.

Light faded, the darkness of the catacombs seemed to sweep back towards the Master and he mindlessly stacked the dead to a height in which he could climb out and continue on.

Spell: Plane of Chaos.

Cast: In Silence and in Darkness, only after being chosen to attend to the Plane of Chaos, “.ERCNANT.”

Affect: After transition to Plane of Chaos, enemies are multiplied and begin fighting wantonly.

End: Ends at term of choice by the attendee of the Plane of Chaos.

[box_dark]7) Dashen[/box_dark]

Cone of Side Quests: Enemies caught in it will attempt to leave the battlefield on side quests.

The 99% : All mid and low level enemies refuse to fight unless the opposing hero pays up in gold.

Orion’s Belt: Magical ally is equipped with a belt made from pure energy. The belt does extra damage from behind.

[box_dark]8) Bryan[/box_dark]

I would create a spell called the City-Golem. Obviously something like this would be overpowered, but this is all fictional anyways.

What you would have to do is place a city in the middle of an area, and then have 5 cities surrounding it in a circle. Then when you cast the spell on the middle city, the game searches for the 5 surrounding cities. When they are found to be there, the cities all being to float to the center, and slowly begin to form a gigantic golem made of buildings.

This golem would probably have towers or forts as his fists in order to do massive damage. This would be some kind of super unit considering the cost. Maybe to balance it all the cities would have to be a certain level or something.

I think it’d be an awesome animation to watch though.

[box_dark]9) Pedro[/box_dark]

My power would be to increase the size of my opponents nose to an infinite extent thus obscuring his vision, and insuring my victory.

Since the nose, and more specifically the nostrils are the only place in the human body where the brain comes in contact with the outside air. It would make a perfect target for a fireball, but my spell works on two levels.

One is the obvious carnage and destruction that comes from the forcible insertion of a fireball up a nasal cavity but the second is more insidious.

I think you would agree that a death by fireball up the nostril would definitely make it in the “annual wizarding best of, duel action reel”.

The unusually long nose will also make him a lot less attractive at the next wizarding guild party.

Thus insuring my ultimate victory when he gets rejected by Vicky, the guild secretary, as she swoons over me and my normal sized nose. “Master wizard!” she’ll say with those seven piercing green eyes starring into my soul, “indeed you are the perfect example of a normal human specimen at pique sexual maturity!” (she’s adorable like that)

My opponent will be there next to us, or rather as close as he can manage with his ridiculously sized nose and he’ll say “HEEEEERRRGHJOOOOOOOOONK!!”, or something similar, the reason being his huge nasal cavities, have created tiny air reverberation chambers, that amplify and distort his voice.

I’ll smile, stroke my long curly wizard-like beard, wink my left eye and say “true… very true!”

[box_dark]10) Kris[/box_dark]

Your Spell: I would the learn how to make beer just appear at my disposal, whenever and wherever I want…..

“You guys having a war, BOOM, here’s some beer.”

 

 

 

One Response

  1. Matt Gardiner

    Some very funny spells, and just the tip of the lol-burge. There were plenty of chuckle worthy submissions, too bad we couldn’t post them all.

    Congrats, oh mighty comedic-casters. Enjoy your copies of Warlock!

    Also, an army of chain smoking monkeys? I already smoke, eat bananas, throw my feces and write articles. I’m being replaced!

    Reply

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