In Video Games you play as an ever vigilant protagonist who must overcome some mighty force in order to free so-and-so or collect enough this-or-that.

Often the whole world is at stake; sometimes it’s just about finding some ore. And although there are mighty enemy bosses who may share space with you on the box art, they are far less likely to extract from you as many lives, sweat, or unbridled rage as some obnoxious mass-produced minion between you and it.

Bringing up an annoying minion encounter often brings people closer together, into little “I know! right?” support groups around the nation (dare I say, world?). It’s something that no matter our differences, gives us common ground. Yet, while we can lean on each-other in support for our minion woes, the declaration that one minion or another is the worst minion of all brings a great deal of debate and often, violence.

So, in order to contribute to civility in the gaming world—Xbox Live excluded (can’t be saved)—we decided to collect the five “Most Annoying Video Game Minions of All Time” from each of our staff members and hash it out once and for all!

“Happy Annoying Video Games Minions List, and may the odds be ever in your favor”

Matthew Gardiner
After leading the group of survivors to a mall for safety, he has since had his fill of zombie “relocation and removal.” He is known to play any game, no matter how obscure, and then force his opinion about it upon others. He has Dr’d images in Photoshop, and sprayed his share of insecticide on “bugs.” He pretends to enjoy writing up “lists,” so he can be part of the “in” crowed. In reality he would rather be racing his Firebird to the liquor store.

[box_dark]

1. Creeper (Minecraft)

Action packed!

Enderman, just don’t like to be stared at. Ghasts are resigned to hell. Zombies have the common courtesy to transmit their location with a moan. But Creepers just hate you, and every-little-thing about you. They’re one part high school bully, one part suicide bomber. To hear that trademark “Ssssssssss…” evokes visions of destroyed homes and lost dreams in the minds of all Minecraft veterans.

 

 

2. Eddy Gordo (Tekken 3)

Just-Stop-MOVING!

How do you fight a tornado with legs? With no clear counter and unpredictable moves, Mr. Gordo has dance-kicked his way into my heart as one of the most annoying enemies I have ever fought. Adding to the annoyance factor, his name is Gordo yet he is in great shape, as if he is trying to remind you of his washboard abs. Okay, sure calling him “minion” is a stretch, but I couldn’t resist the chance to finally sully his name!

 

3. Hammer Bro (Super Mario Brothers)

Can't touch this! Break it down.

“Hi, my name is Mario. I jump on my enemies heads!” Well hey there my little mustachioed plumbing friend. I’d like to introduce you to my third most hated game minion—Hammer Bro. He throws his hammers directly up in the air, right where you need to jump. Hammers are made for building things, but these twisted-turtles prefer to use them for death and destruction.

 

 

4. Zubat (Pokemon Series)

Official sponsor- Repel inc.

Whenever you approach a cave in Pokemon, you know one thing’s certain in your future: a lot of Zubats attacking you. Don’t let their diminutive appearance fool you, they are always ready to blast “Supersonic” on your fancy starting pocket monster. By the time you get out the other side of a cave, you are often bloodied, bruised, and have a new found bat phobia. On the positive side they are good for the local economy and ensure a steady purchase of “repel” by visitors.

 

5. Cliff Racer (Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind)

Texts all his friends, where you are.

“Screee!” Herralds their decent from upon high. Before there were dragons in Skyrim, there were hordes of these Triassic rejects in Morrowind, swooping down on you in droves. Running is a poor option. The only real choice: stand and fight! Divines forbid their friends hear the ruckus though, or your ears would be treated to a chorus of screaming Cliff Racers. Worse yet, there was no “Faas-Ru-Maar”‘s,”Fus-Ro-Dah”‘s or “Plz-go-away” dragon shouts to be rid of them in the land of the Dunmer. Daedra willing, they have all been sucked into a portal to oblivion, where the likely came from in the first place.

[/box_dark]

Joshua Phillipp
When Morpheus approached him and began to explain the two pills, Joshua had already hurriedly consumed the red one. Now he writes to us while avoiding detection. At work he is an investigator, reporter, and editor. But at home, he is an investigator, reporter, and editor. His news making is regularly picked up by the “big guys.” He has often been described as “too legit, to quit.”

[box_dark]

1. Cactuar (Final Fantasy)

10000 Needles!

The Cactuar is the troll of the Final Fantasy universe. Every time I found one, I’d think, ‘Nice. Let’s get this dude, get our XP, and continue the journey,” but then the posing cactus bends its head down, with its face forever stuck in a maniacal ‘woooot!’ laugh, and blasts one of my characters with 10,000 needles—instantly dealing a 9,999-point death blow. Then things get serious. You try to hit it and it dodges every attack, occasionally ducking down and blasting your party into oblivion. Then, right when you think you almost have the annoying dude done for, what does it do? It runs away.

 

2. Creeper (Minecraft)

Creepers gonna creep.

I remember once I decided to step out of my house one night in Minecraft to lay some final touches on a wall. I looked out the windows and decided the coast was clear, then a Creeper decided to pop up out of nowhere and blow me up along with a good chunk of my wall. After respawning in the upstairs bed, I ran back downstairs, decided to put my K-9 companion into attack mode, and instead punched it. Then, as the dog was attacking me, who decides to pop in for a visit? Another Creeper.

 


3. Baneling (Starcraft 2)

Baneling Starcraft 2

Roly Poly from hell.

There’s nothing like that deep sense of confidence granted by marching a huge army across the map in Starcraft II, and nothing stomps that into the ground like watching your entire army get melted by Banelings. They’re the jerks of the Zerg colonies—throwing away the simplicities of Zergling life to blow up my base, melt my Marines, and destroy all my hopes of victory in one big blast.

 

 

4. Chryssalid (X-Com: Enemy Unknown)

Let's make a baby.

Now, let’s just say this up front: the original X-Com was one of the most difficult games ever created. Even on the “Very Easy” setting, you could still get completely ruined by your first encounter. But if you kept with it, learned the ropes, and built strong team with prestigious stats, things started turning around. That is, until you ran into a Chryssalid. These fast, grinning, bug-like aliens will run up to your operatives with a bite powerful enough to cut through any armor and turn them into zombies. Then, after you kill your teammates-turned-zombies, what comes out of them? A new, full-powered Chryssalid.

 

5) The Butler (Tomb Raider 2)

Always there for you.

I don’t know about you guys, but the butler in Tomb Raider 2 really creeped me out. The moaning, hunched over guy would track you wherever you went through Lara’s mansion, slowly. Just when you thought he was gone and you were busy training, you’d hear his creepy moan, drawing ever closer… It was a great day in gaming though when I found you could lock him in the freezer.

 

 

[/box_dark]

Amy Gardiner
When her love died, she cast herself into his funeral pyre and later emerged with a pair of pet dragons. Thanks to her, “you hit like a girl” is now a compliment. She can zero in on a typo like a heat-seeking-missile. If she’s not on Facebook, call the authorities, because something’s wrong. She has agreed to play all those silly Facebook games for us, and we are equally amazed and awed by her resilience to do so.
[box_dark]

1. Wallmaster (Legend of Zelda)

Not a helping hand.

We all remember the Wallmaster. You are adventuring deep into the dungeon finally making headway, almost to that Triforce when suddenly… giant hands spring upon you and dragged your sorry butt kicking and screaming (mostly swearing) back to the first room of the dungeon. The good news is in the later 3D Zelda games, not only do they lug you back to the beginning, they scare the living hell out of you. There isn’t an gamer out there that hasn’t cursed your name at some point. DAMN YOU WALLMASTER!!!!

2. Malboro (Final Fantasy)

Wishes they still had Marlboro miles.

Malboros are large, green tentacle plants that vaguely remind me of one of my chain smoking aunts. They Barf bad breath and give you the plague. Besides being nasty as hell, a whiff could give you a list of side effects worse than Zoloft. If you were lucky, you get blasted with poison, dark, berserk, confused, sleep, gout, dry mouth, and diarrhea. EXTREMELY Bad Breath, a particularly horrendous case of halitosis, caused instant death to whoever was unlucky enough to get sprayed. These nasty things killed my entire party more than once and showed up in damn near every game.

3. Creeper (Minecraft)

Bewm!

Sssssssssssssss (Screams in terror) You’ve been blow into blocky little bits and your belongings scattered. I’m not a cat person but I lead a small pack of tabbys while adventuring just to ensure these dastardly green bastards can’t sneak up on me. No other video game character draws such deep-seated hatred or produces such foul language. I might need therapy.

 

4. Waluigi (Mario)

A face only a nobody on earth could love.

The nasally whiny weirdo that played second fiddle to Wario. His voice alone made me want to punch him in the throat… maybe then he would sound normal?

 

 

 

 

5. S (Tetris)

"S" word. Coincidence?

Just when you think everything is going OK. No surprises to knock you off your feet. Things are going great. You are a winner. WHAM! Life hands you an S. You could turn it sideways and get rid of one line or go vertical and try to get it over to that gap in time or ya, flip it on its back and just work around it… but no its to late for you. That S just dropped itself right in the middle of your game screen and its not going anywhere. Game over, dude.

 

[/box_dark]

Corey Phillipp
When he arrived in the year 2012 in a shower of electrical energy, he was forced to steal the clothes and “hog” from a drunken motorcycle enthusiast in order to save a bratty kid and our future. He is the resident enforcer and bouncer. He enjoys owning n00bs in online games and forcing his Battlefield 3 opponents to “assume the position.” He does have a soft spot though, but it’s only for Indy games.

[box_dark]

1. Gatherer (Amnesia: The Dark Descent)

Hugs n' kisses.

I think we can all agree that Amnesia: The Dark Descent is easily one of the scariest games out there. I still have nightmares about my few, but forever haunting encounters with the freakishly gruesome “Gatherers.” Looking like the spawn of Satan and derived from the twisted mind of M. Night Shyamalan, these creatures kept me on the verge of insanity as I would frantically search for a nonexistent sanctuary for me to cry in. Though their presence was scarce, they infected players with an ever lasting fear that would lead them to dread the next encounter.

2. Head Crab (Half Life Series)

"Lamarr! Get out of there!"

This little guy has always given me quite the headache… Literally (he consumes your brains). Countless times I would be overwhelmed by these little pests and often surprised as I would enter a room and be graciously greeted with a head hug from the little fellow. How sweet…

 

 

 

3. Big Daddy (Bioshock 1&2)

"Heeey yoooou guuuuuuys!"

Such fond memories. As they roam the halls, their horrifying moans can be heard as the little sisters cower beneath their feet. The thought of battling a Big Daddy would send shivers down my spine as I could feel the ground tremble with each stomp of his brass boots leading closer and closer to my location. As I duck below an old mahogany desk, The sisters surely aren’t the only ones seeking refuge when danger is afoot. The Big Daddy is just on the other side of the wall as I quickly glance at the almost diminished stockpile of ammunition I will use to helplessly fight the beast. I find myself whimpering as his solemn yellow lights turn red as he faces his target. He activates his drill and charges, I scream and drop my controller. He whips right past me and slams his arm into one of many “Splicers.” I quietly retrieve my controller and rush to the next room only to be welcomed by another Big Daddy!

4. Griefer (King Arthur’s Gold)

Just... die... please.

Every multiplayer game has a very “special” group within the community that finds it rather hilarious making their teammate’s gameplay experience an absolute living hell. Allow me to introduce you to KAG’s Griefers, whose primary goal is to make people hate them. Although it is a text-to-chat game, I often find myself yelling profanities at my screen as one of these mischievous little bastards terrorizes friendly forces. Just after their carnage has ended and all is in ruins (including my keyboard), they celebrate by dancing on you carcass and portray their excitement with an adorable little happy face icon above their heads.

5. Dragon (Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)

I can see mah cave from up here!

These creatures earned the reputation of appearing at the most ironic and worst possible moments. I remember one time in particular I was casually strolling through a town when all of the sudden an enormous shadow falls over me. I look up into the sky and realize that not only one, but two dragons have appeared. Being that defeating just one of these creatures was far beyond my skill level, I left the fighting to the guards and the feeble old lady behind the fruit stand. Just before they could finish off a dragon, I would come out of hiding and lunge at the dragons with the final blow. Although practically everyone died and I hid like a scared little boy, the few people that were left alive claimed me as their hero for defeating the beasts. Little did they know, I only wanted dragon bones so I could make some awesome armor.
[/box_dark]

Astasia Grum
After she had ejected the Xenomorph queen out of the airlock, she thought to herself, “Deja’vu.” Little does she know—she is now a clone of her former self. She has consumed more anime than you have breaths. Burned through more games than you have days. Her writing is so good, she won’t even share it. She is suspected of dabbling in the dark art of fan-fiction, but we don’t hold that against her. She is not that missing princess from Russia, so please stop asking.

[box_dark]

1: Dragon (Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)

Minty fresh!

No matter where you go a dragon will always find you. They’ll swoop down from the skies and devour your allies without a second thought, land on top of your horse (leaving you to finish the rest of your journey on foot), and at times, they’ll even wait until a Sabre Cat ambushes you before deciding to join in on the fun. You can time your arrows or give them a good “Joor Zah Frul” to bring them down to your level, but that just means you’re closer to the danger. Even on the ground, dragons are fierce opponents. They continue to breath fire and ice while lashing out at you with their teeth. Let your guard down and you’ll be lifted up in its jaws and tossed aside like a rag-doll.

2: Mirelurk (Fallout 3)

Bring lemons and butter.

While swimming through the irradiated rivers of the Capital Wasteland, many wanderers will come into contact with the Mirelurk. These mutated crabs are protected by a thick shell, making them practically impervious to damage even with heavy weapons. The only sure-fire way to down these monsters for good is to shoot them in the face, and at times that means getting close enough to kiss the beast. Mirelurks pack one heck of a punch and at close range use a headbutt attack that hides their face completely, making it impossible to take them down before collision. To top it all off, it’s rare to see one on its own, so if you manage to take one down, beware of any friends it may have lurking nearby.

3: Necromancer (Elder Scrolls Series)

A+ in biology class.

There’s nothing like clearing out a dungeon only to have the enemies you smite come back for revenge. Skilled with several schools of magic, Necromancers are a force to be reckoned with. A simple hack-and-slash approach can cut through their robes with ease, but getting close to them can be a trial with their undead pets blocking your path. As though it weren’t enough to reanimate the corpses surrounding you, knock their health down considerably and the Necromancer turns tail and runs, casting a few healing spells to pick his/herself up again before bombarding you with fireballs and leaving you to the mercy of their zombies.

4: Lurker (Dead Space Series)

Kids these days...

“Mommy’s Little Bundle of… WTF IS THAT?!” Lurkers may not be the most dangerous enemy Isaac could encounter on the U.S.G. Ishimura, but they are one of the most disturbing. Its small size can make it extremely difficult to detect and if you encounter them in a group, it can be quite a pain to defeat them all. Crawling along walls and across ceilings it shoots barbs from its tentacles that (while easily avoidable) can cause Isaac to stumble, losing sight of the mutated fetus until it’s literally right on top of him and jabbing its tentacles into his back. When this happens, it’s time to remember your lessons from button-mashing 101 or bear witness to a rather gruesome death.

5: Creeper (Silent Hill Series)

You eat at least 10 of these, every year.

While far from being the most deadly creature one can encounter in Silent Hill, they are the biggest nuisance to be rid of. You can swing, you can shoot, and you can stomp, but chances are you’ll never hit these little suckers. One well-timed stomp is generally all you’ll need to take them out, but good luck catching up to them! These satanic bugs will not only run circles around you, but nip at your feet just to spite you. Then, once you finally put the little demon to rest, there are always more waiting further on to pick up where their friend left off.

 

[/box_dark]

It was a close one folks. Three-to-two, in favor of the Creeper. It was so close, in fact, we used our custom “Battle Station 3000″ to run some combat simulations. What we found was 98.7% of one-on-one combats belonged to the Dragon.

However, when we added a full 24 hour time frame, that included Dragon nap time, Dragon decoration time, and Dragon potty time, the numbers nearly reversed and the creeper won 99.6% of all encounters.

Certainly, Skyrim’s dragons are a terrible force—they will swoop down on you regardless of what you are doing, and will not relent. They will murder your companions and turn your horse into glue factory goods. Mercy is not something found in their dark hearts… but they have the common courtesy to leave your house alone. Never will you find one staring at you as soon as you open your eyes after a nice snooze; you needn’t dart glances over your shoulders as you mine.

Only the vile creeper would be so base. His single-minded obsession is to destroy, not just you, but everything you love. Pets, beds, paintings, and castles are objects of his disdain for you.

So there you have it. Minecraft’s Creeper edges out the mighty dragon for the win. Henceforth, let it be known in all corner of the lands, the Creeper is the most annoying video game minion, OF ALL TIME!

"I want to thank my mom, and oh yeah! My coach, you were right. Practice! Haha. Um, I want to thank the creator, Notch. Really thanks... YOU BELIEVED IN ME! Oh man, I'm forgetting some onesssssssssssssssSSSSS..."

Our team of Awards presenters scored a quick interview with the lucky winner. They will be sorely missed. Our prayers go out to their families.

[box_light]Photo credits, go: “S” photo By Anypodetos, via Wikimedia Commons Chryssalid, Mirelurk, Lurker, Creepers (silent Hill), Zubat, Eddy Gordo courtesy of Maniac.de , now found on the wiki.[/box_light]

2 Responses

  1. Joshua Philipp

    I almost chose the invisible Covenant with swords from the original Halo. You could be tearing it up and one of those dudes could send you to the last checkpoint before you even know what hit you.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.